Knowing how and when a loved one passed away may not sound like much consolation in the depths of mourning. But this simple information lays the foundations for us to gradually navigate through the stages of grief until, eventually, we reach acceptance.
But not every loss follows this journey.
Ambiguous loss is a unique type of grief, characterized by a lack of clarity and resolution, making it difficult for loved ones to find closure. The term was first coined by researcher Pauline Boss in the 1970s, who studied the families of soldiers missing in action during the Vietnam War. Her research finally gave words to the devastating, aching gap left by those who disappear during conflict.
Enforced disappearances, mass displacement and acts of violence that leave bodies unidentifiable are all causes of ambiguous loss in conflict zones. With no information about their loved one’s whereabouts, whether they are alive, and with no body to bury or funeral to hold, friends and family are left in an emotional limbo – caught between hope and despair.
Betty is a graduate of our Stronger Women, Stronger Nations program in South Sudan. In 2020, on a day that began like any other, Betty's husband left their home to help cut down trees in the nearby village.
She has not seen or heard from him since.
“There was no final conversation, no farewell, no certainty, just silence. His body was never found, and no one could tell me for sure whether he was alive or gone.”
Betty was informed by neighbors that her husband was abducted by unknown armed men that day – she doesn't know why or where they took him. She doesn't even know if he is alive.
"That’s what they call ambiguous loss, when someone is gone but not really gone. Present in your heart yet absent from your life."
For Betty, one of the greatest challenges she has faced since her husband was abducted is the feeling of being stuck and unable to move on with her life. The weight of this uncertainty has taken its toll, Betty developed ulcers that have never healed, and emotionally, she says, "it feels like being trapped between hope and grief, unable to fully mourn or move forward."
"Some days I feel like I’m losing my mind replaying memories, wondering if he’s out there somewhere, if he’s safe or if I’m holding on to nothing but a ghost."
It is a pain that Sarah from Nigeria knows all too well. When armed militia attacked their village, many young men, including Sarah's husband Nuhu, went to defend their community. At first, Sarah was told that her husband was shot in the leg and was receiving treatment but as days turned into weeks and months turned into years, Sarah realized she may never truly know what happened to her husband that day.
"The silence gradually swallowed my hope."
As time passed, Betty and Sarah both felt they were expected to move on. But how could they mourn their husbands who, for all they knew, might still be alive? How long should they hold out hope that their husbands would be returned to their families?
While loved ones grapple with these unanswerable questions, the reality of daily life continues to churn on. Without their husbands by their sides, Betty and Sarah became the sole heads of their households, responsible for looking after their children. Bills need paying, crops need harvesting, someone has to keep the children fed.
But as the world moves on, Betty, Sarah and countless parents, children, spouses and friends refuse to let their loved ones be forgotten or erased. As Syrian journalist and activist Wafa Mustafa, whose father was forcibly disappeared by authorities in Syria, explains,
"I have chosen to resist the forgetfulness that the regime has imposed on me by disappearing my dad. I have chosen to resist it with my memory."
According to the Syrian Network for Human Rights, more than 136,000 people were arbitrarily detained, abducted or forcibly disappeared during President Assad's brutal regime in Syria. Since the fall of the regime in late 2024, large numbers of detainees have been released, but the fates of over 100,000 people remain unknown. Today, their loved ones are calling for justice, but their definition of justice goes beyond merely holding perpetrators to account. Research from Dawlaty and our partner in Syria, Women Now for Development, found that true reconciliation for those affected by ambiguous loss includes psychological support, economic assistance and recognition that their families bear a unique wound that must not be ignored.
Above all, families and friends want the truth.
"We want to know where they are – whether they are alive or dead. If dead, we want their bodies so we can bury them. This is the first step. Then we want those responsible held accountable. And we want support, because living like this is destroying us."
According to experts, connecting with others who have also experienced ambiguous loss is key in helping individuals come to accept the uncertainty they live with. No two experiences are identical, but meeting others who can intimately relate to your most personal traumas can be incredibly validating. As Betty explains,
"I found comfort in speaking with other women who experienced the same kind of silence. Going to friends has been my biggest strength."
That's what makes our Stronger Women, Stronger Nations program so special. We create safe spaces for women affected by conflict to come together, lean on each other for support and find healing. For Sarah, the bonds she formed with women she met through the program were a lifeline,
"Joining the Women for Women International program in 2023 was a turning point. Finally, I felt seen and understood. In connecting with other women who shared a similar grief, I realized I wasn't alone."
Betty and Sarah may never find true closure for the loss of their husbands, but the friendships they formed with women they met in our program mean they don't have to carry the weight of their grief alone. For a loss this big, that's no small thing.
