Trigger warning: Description of sexual violence
I was 19 when our village was occupied. I was never particularly sociable or popular with my peers—I preferred the company of my family, with whom my fondest memories are attached.
I remember how my mother and I loved cooking together in the kitchen, drinking tea at the table while the pots cooking on the stove filled the house with warmth and coziness. I loved sitting at the table and looking out of the window at the trees in our garden as they changed throughout the year. Little did I know how the occupation of our village by Russian troops would change our lives forever—destroying our home, scattering my family and devastating me.
Initially, we didn’t feel the effects of the occupation much, but over time, food became scarce, and the trauma increased. On that fateful day, my uncle and I were stopped at a checkpoint on our way to the city center to buy food. We were naturally worried but not afraid, as we were civilians and posed no threat to the military. While some soldiers inspected the car and searched my uncle, others examined my tattoo and looked through the photos and browser history on my phone. Their attitude changed when they came across a photo of my cousin in a military uniform from the time of the ATO (Anti-Terrorist Operation by the Ukrainian military). They said they needed to check everything more thoroughly and that they would detain us until the circumstances were clarified.
I had never felt such fear before! Having heard stories about people disappearing, being tortured, raped and killed for fun, I was overwhelmed by horror, nausea and broke out into a cold sweat. I just wanted to go back home to my parents. They put bags over our heads and took us to the former police station in the city, reputed to be the 'torture chamber'. I was paralyzed with fear and afraid to breathe in case I attracted unnecessary attention. They took me to a separate cell, took all my belongings, and told me to wait.
It was early spring, and the cell was freezing, but I couldn't tell whether I was shivering more from the cold or from fear. Being alone, I couldn't talk to anyone or ask questions. I was also worried about my uncle's fate, as the men would be asked specific questions. I lost all sense of time and had dozed off, curled up in a ball. Suddenly I was woken up when two men came in and I realized that night had fallen. They didn't turn on the light, but from their voices, I could tell that they were young. They discussed how I was new and attractive, treating me like an object or a commodity, as if I weren't even in the room. Then one of them said that he wanted me and if I resisted, he would hurt me. They left me alone with him and he told me to undress. I was extremely embarrassed, and my fingers were so numb that I could hardly undress. He began to get impatient and tried to tear my clothes off, but I managed to take off my jeans.
Standing naked at that moment, I could hardly feel my body. I wasn’t cold or trembling anymore—it was as if I didn't exist. He touched me, but I somehow couldn't feel it; I just saw his hands on a body that wasn't mine. Then, at the table, he turned me around to face him to have sex. I remember looking at the table and feeling its surface with my palms, trying not to feel what was happening to me. After he left, I stood motionless for a while, unable to put my clothes on—I felt so different and dirty.
In the morning, they let us go. My uncle must have realized that something terrible had happened to me, given the state I was in, but thankfully he didn't ask any questions.
"I haven’t shared my experience with my family to this day."
Until the village was liberated, I lived in fear of being raped again. I didn't talk to anyone, slept very little at night and my hands would periodically go numb. As soon as my village was liberated, I left for Kharkiv because I couldn't bear to stay there any longer.
Taking part in this project with the Andreiev Foundation has been extremely important for my psychological well-being—it has helped me to learn to believe in myself again, understand what I want from life, make plans for the near future, find a job and, most importantly, choose a course of study in my chosen specialization. Now I am with my boyfriend, who knows my story and supports me every step of the way.
Note: Women for Women International has been working with the Andreiev Foundation in Ukraine since 2022, providing holistic support to women survivors of the ongoing war. Through our partnership, they deliver comprehensive psychological and psychosocial support and medical care such as gynecological consultations with doctors, gender-based violence counseling and prevention strategies, and trauma-informed care. We ensure that the survivors have access to dedicated safe spaces and legal assistance.
Together, we build trust with women in these communities, providing survivors of sexual violence with psychological aid and raising awareness of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to support larger numbers of women suffering from war-related trauma. Women and children have access to an emergency Crisis Psychological Support (CPS) hotline, through which they receive support and counseling.
For security and privacy reasons, the participant's name has been changed, and photos are for representational purposes only and not of the program participant.
